After three crop failures in a row farmer Jones could not pay his loan at the bank. "Give me one more chance he pleaded. Don't take my farm, we'll be broke and homeless."
The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?"
"That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbor.
"But how can I tell for sure?"
"Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me."
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear."
"Well they're not," says his wife.
"Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer.
"No..."
"Well what are those fool sows doing?
"Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!"
The bank manager comes up with an idea. "OK, one more chance but not with crops. No one fails at pig farming so we'll finance the purchase of five sows to start you off. Your neighbor down the road has a boar pig and you'll have to take your sows to him so the boar can service them. In a few months you should have a bunch of little piglets all ready for market.
Farmer Jones collects the five sows, loads them into his pickup truck, drives to his neighbor and unloads the five sows into the boar's pen. They then go back to the farm house and have a couple of beers.
When enough time has passed they go back to the boar's pen and load five happy sows into the pickup. Farmer Jones asks, "What if it didn't take?"
"That never happens with my boar," replies the neighbor.
"But how can I tell for sure?"
"Look, tomorrow morning observe your sows. If they're rolling in the mud, it took, if they're on the grass, call me."
The following morning farmer Jones observed his sows strolling on the grass. He calls his neighbor who instructs him to bring them back. He rounds them up, loads them into the pickup and drives to the boar'spen where the whole process is repeated.
Unlucky farmer Jones has to load them in the pickup and take them back four times. On the fifth morning he is so worried he can't look. He stalls for half an hour then asks his wife to look. "I hope they're not on the grass, dear."
"Well they're not," says his wife.
"Oh finally, then they're rolling in the mud!" exclaimed the farmer.
"No..."
"Well what are those fool sows doing?
"Well, four are trying to climb into the pickup and the fifth managed to climb into the cab and is trying to honk the horn!!!"
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalized. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.